I am one of those juvenile people who enjoy toilet humor. I think they are the best kinds of jokes and I think TV shows that do primarily fart and toilet jokes are the best kinds of TV shows. I first read this list when I was a junior in high school. My cousin Michelle Herioux (now Oliver) passed this list up to me in English class one day and I stupidly started reading it, not knowing that it would make me howl like a maniac until I had tears running down my face. My teacher wasn’t too impressed with my behavior, but then he rarely was. I was thinking about this list while I was on the toilet today (because I was enjoying one of these poopies, but I won’t say which one because apparently, as my friend Charlotte said when I texted her about it, that’s just T.M.I.) and I thought I should post it for all to enjoy! I haven’t read this list in maybe 5 years, and I was STILL laughing until I cried over it because it’s just that funny…and most of these do happen to everyone. Enjoy!
THE POOPIE LIST
The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won’t ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie
This happens when you’re done Poopie-ing and you’ve pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poopie some more.
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
It’s so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.
Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you’re afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
The kind where you want to Poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie
That’s where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
It smells so bad your nose burns.
The Surprise Poopie
You’re not even at the toilet because you are sure you’re about to fart, but oops…….a Poopie!!!
THE NOTORIUS DRINKER POOPIE
The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
Its most noticeable trait is the skid mark left on the bottom of the
toilet bowl after you flush.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This poopie is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This poopie occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
allowing you to be your old self again.
THE AFTERSHOCK POOPIE
This poopie has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE “HONEYMOON’S OVER” POOPIE
This is any poopie created in the presence of another person.
A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
Characterized by its floatability, this poopie has been known to
resurface after many flushings.
A poopie which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in
a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM POOPIE
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO POOPIE (Also known as The Prairie Dog Poopie)
Now you see it, now you don’t. This poopie is playing games with
you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny poopie which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
position – usually harmless.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOPIE
This poopie may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOPIE
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
God when you actually CAN’T poopie.
Laxative induced. Doesn’t count.
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POOPIE
Also known as a “Still Going” poopie.
THE ROCKET POOPIE
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when
THE LIQUID PLUMBER POOPIE
This kind of poopie is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all
over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log
THE PORRIDGE POOPIE
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You
have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to
your bum while you sit there helpless.
THE “I’M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER” POOPIE
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your
rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE “I THINK I’M TURNING INTO A BUNNY” POOPIE
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and
make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE “WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?” POOPIE
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don’t warn
anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently
near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for
THE “I JUST KNOW THERE’S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE” POOPIE
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop
off because if you wipe now, it’s going to smear all over the place.